I have practiced yoga religiously since 1997.

Between 2001 and 2007 I was on the mat nearly 4 hours every day.  During the periods I was in India I would reach around 7-8 hours of asana and pranayama daily.

Somewhere around 2018, I lost my fire.  I didn’t want to practice asana.  It didn’t feel exciting anymore and all I wanted to do was meditate.

When I would try to practice something peculiar would happen.  I would finish savasana and feel worse.  Instead of feeling confident and connected to the world, I felt insecure and isolated.

This actually happened to me once before.  It was 2008 and during my morning practice something would get triggered that would leave me feeling depressed and afraid.

It sucked.  I hated it.  And I did the only thing I could at the time…

I quit.

I tried to be a ‘normal’ human being and played tennis 6 times a week. I drank beer.  I watched TV.

It was great for a while but eventually left me feeling unfulfilled.

And then I got the message…

I had plateaued with my morning practice and it wasn’t going to change until I re-dedicated myself to teaching.  The universe was saying “You’ve done enough.  You don’t get to do more until you share what you’ve learned.”

I started teaching again in 2009 and my practice came right back.  It was strong.  It was every day. It was fulfilling, nourishing and I loved it.

This time is different.

Let me explain…

In its essence our yoga practice is meant to bring us to complete liberation of mind.   The last 4 stages of the path are sense withdrawal, concentration, meditation and enlightenment.

For me, the practice has always been a way to manage some of my emotional and psychological distresses.  It gave me confidence while helping to maintain a certain level of physical health and vitality.

But now it’s working deeper.  Instead of quelling the anxiety and unhappiness I used to experience on a daily basis, it is bringing up the deeper layers of it I have not been willing to face.  I am getting a window into parts of myself I have spent the last twenty years trying to avoid.  And if not avoid, obliterate and get rid of.

Shit.  Don’t I know better? I teach people the way to heal is through, not around.   And here I am doing the exact opposite of that.

So what do I do with this?

Well, a little bit over a year ago I did the only thing I could do….I quit yoga.  Again.

I simply did not have the resources to deal with what I was experiencing.   The pain and suffering that was arising for me was heavier than I was able to lift.

One of the Buddha’s teachings rings very true for me here.  He said, “When mindfulness is not strong enough to be with the emotions that are surfacing, think about something else.”

That’s a deep teaching when you think about it.  The one who surpassed all the tribulations also had the compassion to say, “The road is tough.  Do your best to be with everything that is arising and when you can’t, take a break.  Walk away and come back when you can.”

I walked away.  It’s been over a year.  And now it’s time to come back.

I am practicing 3-4 days a week again and let me tell you, it doesn’t look anything like it did 10 years ago.  I am content with only doing 25 minutes (I literally remember not being able to do under 3 hours).  I am more focused on my internal energy systems than I am on the alignment of my joints.  I may lay on the ground and breathe for 5 minutes to observe my mind instead of ignoring what is coming up and continuing with standing poses.  I may even let out a sigh (boy would I have judged that in 2005!).  And I’ve been playing with the lion’s breath, something I used to think was out of my reach for regular practice.

As I’ve explored all of this inside myself, some thoughts on the path have arisen…

We will change.  There’s no way around that.  Accepting and allowing it, however, is another thing.   Change can be scary.   Inherent within it is unknown terrain and all sorts of uncertainty.  Without the ground of what we’ve known, how can we know who we are?

Accepting change takes confidence.  It takes a willingness and determination to listen to a voice that may not have been there before (or at least was very quiet) and to take action in a way that may not be familiar.  Many times we may stumble, at others we may soar, but the inner knowing that what we are doing is right can carry us through.

Change comes from within.  We all know the joke.  A monk walked up to a street vendor and bought a 90 cent hot dog.  He gave him a dollar which the vendor happily accepted.  When the monk, perplexed, looked at the vendor and asked for his change, the vendor gleefully replied, “Change comes from within”.  When it is time to change there is an inner knowing.  There is something speaking to us that we can only deny for so long.  Change is the universe’s way of keeping us fluid and connecting us to the water element that comprises 60% of our being.  It is also the reminder that everything we experience is impermanent and relentless attachment is a surefire way to create suffering.

Real change is not easy.    I am reminded of a quote by Martin Luther King that has always given me the courage to move forward.  He suggests our struggles are necessary and without them the winds of change may stagnate.   It is through this struggle that the old is transformed and the new may arrive.